Mercutio spitting straight wisdom about love to Romeo in a letter (I translated it to Shakespearean language using Shmoop’s translator, but I had to improvise in some places. Like when I said “I love you” and it spat out an entire poem. But, apparently, you just have to add a bunch of “eth”s at the end of words in order for it to sound Shakespearean!)
From what I understand, Mercutio doesn’t really care much about love. Every time Romeo complains about how lovesick he is, Mercutio dismisses him and makes a crude comment (ie, “prick love for pricking, and you beat love down” (Act 1 Scene 4). Smooth, Mercutio. Smooth.) Like all best friends, he relentlessly teases Romeo about falling in love and, being the comic relief, makes numerous jokes about it. I tried to fit that aspect of Mercutio into this letter as well. But, to be honest, Mercutio would probably rather just start beef with the Capulets than listen to stories about his best friend falling in love with one.
So, enjoy this heart to heart, bro to bro letter.
If love be rough with you, be rough with love.
-Mercutio, Act 1, Scene 4
Romeo! Sirrah! Thee in earnest needeth to be collected. Thou has’t flown so close to the sun and now thee art burning. Thee knoweth whither ashes end up? The trash, Romeo, the trash! In mine most humble opinion, love is fake. Thou art telling me that thee see some wench and thee falleth in love with that lady right hence? Lest I calling talk’st of nothing. One moment thee art in love with Rosaline, now thee forgot about that lady. Thee gravely just saw Juliet and hath said love looks with the heart, not with the mind, and therefore, Cupid is blind? That is a gross amount to sayeth to a lady on thy first date. Thee cannot even fit that on a friendship bracelet, cousin.
Doth I mean nothing to thee, Romeo? Am I just dirt? Don’t tryeth mine with this love horror, Romeo. I’ll murder thee. Thee art too valorous for this! And a Capulet of all people! Doth not thee knoweth anything, Romeo? I consume Capulets for dinner, utter fool. If ‘t be true thee bethink thee art very much in love with Juliet, thee needeth to receiveth thy headeth checked. Unless thee art an insolent clotpole, thee would has’t hath heard me at which hour toldeth thee how to fix a broken heart. And that didst not includeth falling in love with some Capulet!
Now, I can telleth that thou art going to cometh crying to me for love advice. There’s few or none will entertain it. I could not care less, Romeo. I wilt probably stab thee with mine sword. Receiveth ov’r t, Romeo. You’ll at each moment beest mine sirrah, but thee can beest gravely obnoxious at times. Jokes aside, if ‘t be true thee art truly in love with Juliet, I wilt supporteth thy endeavors. Just doth not forget who thee art during this whole time. Doth not alloweth love consume thee, but rather consume love.